Smoke and Thoughts
by Teishi8806
Summary: Emma and Regina have a falling out. This is Emma's initial reaction. Could be a bit triggering to anyone suffering from depression and whatnot, so read with caution. One shot, at least as of now.


I sat with a cigarette between my fingers for the the first time in years. I thought I had overcome this specific vice, but when push came to shove, it seemed I hadn't. The smoke tasted bitter and sweet, and since I was always a menthol girl, minty. But, most of all, it tasted of numbing relief. My lungs protested the onslaught of chemicals and heat, but my body craved the momentary release.

Regina, she was complex. I didn't even pretend to understand her ways and accepted that I never would. We were so similar yet so different. She always hated smoking. Maybe that was why, on top of relief and despite the situation, I felt a pang of guilt with every drag. At what point did the lines between she and I become so hazy? At what point did I fall so fully for another person that I even cared what they thought? She'd become so much, we'd become so much, that the simple words she spoke literally left my blood icy.

"Emma, I don't know how to love very well."

The line played over and over in my head and, for the life of me, I couldn't get it to shut up. It was like a ghost hell bent on driving me mad. Not that she didn't love me, not that she didn't care or didn't value what we had, but simply that she didn't know how to love very well. The words hadn't even fully escaped her lips before I knew what was coming. She was cutting our bond.

It would have been easy for me to fight her, to convince her that everything would be okay. I could try to convince her that I could love well enough for the both of us but I knew it would only push her further away. I think I had always known that this was a possibility but I was the savior, I could fix what was broken. I failed.

I put out the cigarette butt with shaking hands and didn't know what else to do but light another. My cheeks were feeling hot and flushed and my head woozy from what I vaguely suspected to be something along the lines of carbon monoxide poisoning. What did it matter though? I had failed to save the one person in the world that truly needed saving.

The wind played with my hair, blonde tresses scraped my watery eyes and stuck to my lips where tears had slid across them. Every time I tried lighting the tiny roll of tobacco I only succeeded in singeing pieces of the unruly mess.

_I could have saved her. _

My own voice was beginning to drown out Regina's and even while engrossed in my grief, it sounded selfish. Maybe the queen didn't need saving. Maybe she had to figure out how to save herself. She had to figure out that she was more than enough for me and our son. Henry still hadn't a clue what had happened. He was happily oblivious to more than he thought.

What was I going to tell him? I didn't even know what to tell myself.

"Ma? What are you doing?"

_Great! _He couldn't have had better timing. I still didn't know how to explain what had just happened to myself, let alone a child. His life had been rocky enough without having to deal with grown up insecurities.

"Henry, Kid, could you give me a little bit of time alone? I need to talk to you but I'm not quite ready for that."

"Okay, is everything alright?"

I didn't want to lie to him, "No. But I'm working on it. Go find something to do until I call you back, okay?"

"Okay," His face was so worried and concerned that I almost blurted it all out right then without a thought.

Inhale. Hold. Exhale. That was about my speed. All I wanted to do was find Regina and shake her and tell her what a mistake she'd made. Tears again. The simple thought of her walking away like that wrenched my insides to the point of physical pain. I'd given so much to be with her. To gain her trust. To pull her in. To make her happy. It was a fools errand and I was the fool.

I closed my eyes. There had to be a solution. I was never the best with patience and that seemed the only answer. I could wait or I could fight, and for once, fighting wasn't going to get me anywhere.

My phone buzzed in my pocket, a sense of equal parts dread and hope surged through me. It was her.

"**I'm sorry."**

I couldn't even see the screen as more tears than I knew a human being could produce rushed out of my eyes. It hurt. Every fiber of my being craved the woman that sent that text message yet there was no having her.

I couldn't stand it anymore. I got up and left. Without a word to Henry or to my mother or anyone else, I left. I walked past town and to the woods. I walked past the city limits and in to the real world. I knew I could handle whatever it threw at me. It was cold, hard and lonely, but familiar. Henry would be fine with Mary Margaret and David. Regina would catch wind of my absence and take him back. It would all be okay and the best part was, I didn't have to be a part of it. I could disappear without a word and they would all be better off for it.

Another buzz, **"I still love you, I just can't be with you." **

I threw my phone in to the forest as I walked, knowing from the very second it soared from my fingers that I would march myself right down there and find it. Who did I think I was? Certainly not strong enough to throw her away like a piece of chewed bubblegum.

I needed sleep. It was getting late. I had left Henry in the dark but I still couldn't tell him what had happened. He couldn't see me as such a mess. I just wanted to lay down. Back to that cursed town it was.

"Emma?"

I felt a nudge on my aching shoulder and a caress on my freezing face. I didn't want to wake up, I was dreaming of Regina and couldn't be bothered to come back to reality.

"Emma."

The voice was more stern this time and it had a familiar ring to it. I still didn't want to leave my dream though.

"Emma Swan!"

I jumped and fell straight off the bench I had found to lay on. The ground was frozen and it hurt.

"uuugghhhh."

"Shhhhhh, it's okay. I'm here."

"Re...Regina?" A lump instantly formed in my throat.

"It's me. I saw you sleeping out here and came to check on you." Regina's eyes weren't cold but they gave no hint of emotion away either. She really had just stumbled across me.

"I'll go home now." I wasn't planning on going back there, but a few hours sleep, no matter how dreadful, had made it clear that that wasn't exactly the best plan.

"Do you want a ride?" The former queen was trying to be casual but in her feigned aloofness, gave away so much. Like how she was struggling too.

"I'll walk." I couldn't give in to the intense desire to be in her presence. She had to come back to me ready to work beyond the hard stuff, it could be no other way.

"Emma..."

But I didn't wait to hear her protests about the weather or how cold it was. I couldn't go back to that so easily. We weren't friends. I loved her and she loved me. It was simple in a perfect world, I just had to wait for her to realize the same.

Maybe, with luck, this story will continue. Maybe I'll have a happier ending to give once life finishes having her way with all of us. But, for now, this is where we part. The Evil Queen and the Savior separated not by death or lack of love, but by a past that has left us so emotionally crippled and blinded we find no other way but to destroy ourselves.


End file.
